Motivation?

Gosh, where have I been? Ya know...the usual...work, family, thinking too much, re-evaluating friendships.  I've had more contact that I should with someone I shouldn't have contact with at all.  Truth be told, it has helped to put some stuff into perspective and pretty much confirmed what I already knew: People too often make impulsive decisions without thinking of consequences and then end up making even more decisions out of guilt.  Guilt and fear combined make quite a combo and are often mistakenly seen as "motivation" when really they are just keeping you stuck.

In this particular situation...Two people that I once cared very much about have found themselves in a situation where they are hurting themselves and multiple others.  One is "motivated" by fear and guilt, the other by anger.  One of these two people has pushed me to the point of no return and I'm fairly indifferent to what happens to them and their anger.  The other person, well, it's not easy to explain...I suppose I have emapathy given that I have also been at the receiving end of the other's anger.

I've said what I can to show support, but also be honest with the person I still care about. I respect their reasoning, but I have little hope it won't blow up in their face.  It's always easier said than done, I suppose.

Sir Paul

It's been 2 weeks since I had the absolute blessing of seeing Paul McCartney at Fenway Park. I feel like that is enough time to be far enough removed that I won't sound like a blubbering idiot. And frankly, if you are going to read this and sit in judgment of me or don't understand how a concert could move someone then there's a little red X at the top of the page you can click. I know for sure there is at least one person on my friends list that was there and gets it.

Let me back up, oh 36 years...my parents were very young when they married and had me. Like most people in their 20's-music was a big deal. The Beatles, to them were a huge deal. They loved music, they still do. My Dad especially, loves music. Because of this, music has always been an easy way to communicate. Every important person in my life has a song that reminds me of them. Most songs that I listen to have a memory or story attached to them. Music makes me laugh and cry, comforts me and give me a kick in the ass when needed. I work at a performing arts college for crying out loud, I have even figured out how to make music part of my daily life.

Some of my clearest memories of childhood involve music, specifically the Beatles. I remember my brother and I sitting on my aunt's bed and listening to Octopus' Garden and Yellow Submarine thinking they were the best songs ever. I remember learning the whole story behind the cover of St. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (I cannot remember if it was my Mom, aunt or cousin that told me about Paul's flaming car falling off the cliff, but I remember it was a female). The first memory I have of my Dad crying was the day John Lennon was killed. To this day I "remember" on December 8th. Anyone that knows me knows that you cannot convince me that anyone contributed more to music than the Beatles and don't get me started on the contribution that would've been made if John were still around.

Fast Forward a few decades...a co-worker says: "hey, my cousin can get tickets to the McCartney show, would you be interested?" Now I have been to my fair share of shows and I decided a few years ago that I would only go to a concert if I hadn't already seen them and usually I would ask how much the tickets are. I didn't even care. "Yes" was the only word that came out of my mouth. My parents were at my place that weekend, so of course I shared my exciting news: "I'M GOING TO SEE SIR PAUL. LIVE!" Mom didn't really get the big deal (Mom, you're getting old!) but Dad totally got it and it reminded me of how quickly he and I can connect around music and how much he softens when there is any connection, or if he knows I'm excited/happy about something. Of course I instantly felt guilty that I didn't think to also ask if I could get a ticket for him. (There was an added complication here that the last show I attended at Fenway was The Rolling Stones, the weekend of my grandfather's funeral. My parents were originally going to go with me; so being at Fenway for a show is slightly bittersweet~although my grandfather would think I was being silly, I'm sure)

Now, I'll be honest...I have often struggled with not being able to stay in the moment and appreciate what is right in front of me. Example, standing at the Grand Canyon and saying "really? this is it?" I have been working on being more mindful and staying in the moment, but it can be a struggle.

He played off of the same set list that he has been performing forever, I didn't care. I did not, for one second, not appreciate or stay in the moment while I watched Macca perform for 2.5+ hours. The smile never left my face, and I was slightly weepy the entire time. I am slightly weepy now. I felt joy, I felt silly, I felt sad at times (John and George are no longer here, my parents were never able to see them, I wasn't able to experience it with the people from my childhood that influenced my music so much). Most of all, I felt blessed. My heart was full. I still don't think I can really put into words what it meant to me. Really it was as much about my life as it was about enjoying the Beatles and Paul. And maybe it won't make sense to a lot of people, but it makes complete sense to me and it's an experience that I will never forget or take for granted.

Like I said that night in my FB status: I have seen Sir Paul perform "Let it Be" live, I can die now.

I have a lot on my mind today...

The truth mostly.
The truth is, that I have made bad choices in my life, and probably will continue to do so.
The truth is, that I don't feel guilty about them.
The truth is, sometimes lying and keeping secrets is the only way to maintain sanity, relationships and safety.
The truth is, there are certain things that have happened that no matter how many times people insist it happened one way, I know for a fact, it happened a different way entirely (see above about the necessity of lying).
The truth is, sometimes people make decisions out of guilt and the people that love them will support them even though they don't agree.
The truth is, sometimes no matter how hard someone else tries, s/he will never really get what s/he thinks she will have.
The truth is, some people will allow themselves to be in a bad situation out of spite.
The truth is, some people believe they can change another person.
The truth is, that other person hasn't changed.
The truth is, when someone says "I don't love you," that probably won't change, no matter what you do or what they say.
The truth is, when someone says "I do love you," that probably won't change, no matter what you do or what they say.
The truth is, some people are so selfish that they don't care how someone else feels, as long as they get what they want.
The truth is, you really should let people go when they clearly don't love you not force them to stay.
The truth is, karma is a bitch.
The truth hurts.

history repeats

So this time (it was Memorial Day weekend, last time) 3 years ago after no contact with someone he re-established contact and the rest is kind of history. This time I emailed him to let him know that the emails had started up again over the weekend from the mystery hater. I sent another email to him to let him know I think someone had access to his email because I got an anonymous voicemail with details of the previous email. Fine, I gave my FYI and the next thing I know, I'm being told that there is no point in trying to convince me of how he feels because my mind is made up and this comes from an email that no one even knows he has and no one has access to, so if someone is hacking, they won't hack this email. Convince me of what, i say? You've been clear about what your choices are. Are you trying to get laid? No, he says and is insulted. Well then what is it, i say. You went through all the trouble of emailing me from a "secret" account for what? I can't say...

Yeah...I'm not playing that game again. Sorry. When you're ready to have a real conversation with me and ready to be honest with everyone involved about what your true feelings and intentions are, I'm not playing. But could you please tell your girlfriend to stop emailing me hateful shit.

Addendum the next day: It was a matter of time...he said it. I knew it was coming. The flirting, the missing, the offers have started. I knew yesterday that it was coming down the road. I know him too well. I am strong enough for this, but it makes me angry and sad at the same time. It makes me question what's real. I just don't know anymore. Is he really the type of person that would lie? If he's willing to cheat on her, did he cheat on me? Did he cheat on me with her? Did he ever actually love me? Up until 2 months ago he was still saying he still only had feelings for me. If he doesn't care about her, why does he continue to go back to her...i know this answer and it's hard even for me to say...because she lets him. She decided a long time ago that she was willing to put up with his shit. I wasn't willing to-I got dumped. Funny how the seeming "weaker" of the two is the one that "wins." If i had any sympathy for her after how she has treated me, I would feel bad, but I really don't. In a way it's comforting to know he hasn't actually changed, as sick as that is. I feel sick.

Projection?

Quick update-my grandfather is feeling better and appears to be fine. They never actually figured out what was "wrong," but it wasn't his heart and he's home feeling okay. And now to our regularly scheduled programming...

There is this saying that we all have heard at one time or another "the stuff you don't like about other people, is really stuff that you don't like about yourself." In some circles this is called "projection." Kinda-that's a bit more complicated. Anyway, back to this whole not liking qualities in yourself business...I know someone that I find to be selfish, narcissistic, attention-seeking and down right crazy. Does that mean that I am all of those things? I don't think i am, but I do try to be self-aware. I really let her bother me more than I should, though. It is at the point that I can't listen to anything she has to say and everything she says annoys or offends me in some way. If someone else said the same thing, I probably wouldn't get as upset-but if taken within the context of her as a whole-I can deal with other people's shit better.

But what about this notion of me being selfish, narcissistic, attention-seeking and crazy. I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy. I may be a tad of the others. Here's the thing, in the context of the work environment...I work really hard and I don't ask for much in return except for a "hey, you work really hard." When I don't get that, I do get a little pissy, because I feel like I am not valued, and FFS the work I do should be value above all else (helllooooo narcissism).

Okay, so I may have just answered my own question. BUT-When I think of the people that I want to put on the short bus to nowhere...I'm not mean, disrespectful of people's feelings, selfish in regard to only satisfying my immediate needs without taking into effect how my choices impact others, or a lying manipulative bitch...right?

Thought(s) of the day

"It becomes toxic when it strips a person of hope, damages your self-esteem or detrimentally affects your self-confidence."
-Peter Frost


Ahhh the toxicity part is really not what I want to write about, but I saw it today and wanted to put it somewhere were I wouldn't forget it.

It's been the weirdest few days. I've had one of those feelings and thought it was about one person, but apparently I had the wrong person in mind. My Mom called, apparently my grandfather went to the hospital earlier (3:00) today. My grandmother went with him, she has their cell phone with them and has turned the damn thing off. So no one knows where he is or what is going on. I'm going to assume "no news is good news." Frankly, if I don't hold on to that I will fall apart. I don't like not knowing, I don't like not having information. In addition, during a weekend when I feel like everyone seems to have taken sides, I really need someone who has always been on my side to be okay right now!

holiday = crazy family!

Easter is on Sunday. We have rituals. We eat certain foods on certain holidays and we go to either my parents' house or my grandparents' house depending on the holiday. Easter is usually at my grandparents' house. Mom called on Sunday to just make sure I'm still going. Great, good plan (Two important things here-#1 I love tradition because it is routine and safe...don't F with my rituals and #2-I worry when my grandfather drives the 1.5 hours to my parents')

Mom called me earlier to tell me my father "isn't up to the drive." Ummm excuse me? My 55 year old father isn't up to going to the 85 year old's? How does that work exactly? And then she says "so we'll see you Sunday?" UMMMMM...no, no you will not. I am still going to my grandparents' house. On what planet would I ever blow them off to go bow down to my dad's cry baby BS?!?!? Of course, I nicely said "no, I'll still go there. I haven't seen them since Christmas." At which point she begins begging "but your Dad wants to see you." At this point my niceness is out the window..."sorry. If it's that important to him, he can go there. And no, I'm not giving into his little game just because you do." GAWD.

Backstory...my Dad lost his job about a month ago. This has already caused my mother to cancel Bday spa stuff with me because of $ AND because he was complaining she wasn't spending time with him. She ended up going anyway, but she left early. He acts like such a big baby. I love him but oh does he piss me off sometimes...

OK. Done.

Freedom

It's been exactly one week since my last contact with J. Oddly enough, I'm beginning to feel "free." Free from all the drama, manipulation and craziness. I have made a decision to not have them in my life, at all-no FB, MS, Linkedin, no emails or texts responded to. I don't want to talk to, talk about, hear about or think about them. Doing so lets them back in my life, and that's just not allowed. Now that I have pieced everything together and figured a lot of stuff out-they have both hurt me in ways that I cannot even begin to express. I am moving on with my life and I only hope that somehow some higher power can guide them in the right direction (i would think that's away from each other, but no one asked me and I'm not a higher power). Some of my relationships may change because of this, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. And THIS will be the last time I write/blog about it...I just needed to express the feeling of freedom. Right now in this moment, I am sure that I deserve better, that I always deserved better and staying in that situation would've been toxic.

Lent

I gave up negative people for lent and I'm adding to that...I'm giving up people who treat me like shit and choose to not care if others treat me like shit. There is someone who has tormented me for 3 years with hurtful messages...It was confirmed for me today who that person is and I'm done listening to the victim bullshit or "poor her." Poor her my ass. She got herself into her situation and has managed to do it again and somehow I'm the one that gets the raw end of the deal. If everyone else wants to continue to let her be crazy and not call her out on it, then so be it but I'm DONE. I don't have time to listen to anyone defend someone who is purposely hurtful and destructive to herself and others.

what's with my friends?

This is about two-three people in particular that I'm kind of pissed at. I probably won't tell them, because I could be pissed at them because of my own quirkiness and it really has nothing to do with them, idk...

So first there is P. P and another friend and I had been exchanging emails about getting together for lunch or dinner, so the other friend could come see my condo. Granted, P. has been annoyed with K. lately, but why should that impact me? So I email them both, there are a few emails exchanged then radio silence for a bit. Then P emails me slamming K b/c of her lack of communication/planning. So I take it upon myself to send another email to both of them. P doesn't respond at all and K calls me that same night. So, who deserves a good bitch slap here? I say P, but hey that's just me! Not to mention every time I look at her FB page I want to hit her--she's a Debbie Downer...grrrrrrrrrr...

And then there is J. J. helped me move and I am very thankful to her for that and has been up my butt to do something because she hasn't seen my place since I moved in. I have probably made plans with her 6 different times all of which she cancelled. And now every time she talks she wants me to go to her house (she has no car, mind you). And I want to yell: "I've seen your shit hole of an apartment and I really have no interest in watching a movie on your 20" analog television!!!!" GAWD! And she's another Deb Downer anyway, she's always freakin' pissed off at someone, I can't stand it.

Finally, there is K. She's a work friend. She sucks at her job and thinks she's great...She is forever the martyr and wants to be treated as such, when really we all work much harder than she does, we just don't make a point of letting everyone now how hard we work. Example, at Thanksgiving the students did a big "what are you thankful for" poster and wrote my name on it...she saw that, got pissed and wrote her name, 4 times, in 4 different colors on the damn thing...seriously?!?

So what do I do about this? Are these people "toxic" or just a pain in the ass? Sometimes I feel like they suck the life out of me. Of course I also feel like I owe them something because I feel like they have all been there for me at some point or another, but I'm beginning to think that was only to satisfy there own need for drama or distraction or something. Maybe I should just not let it bother me...

typical day...

So about 3 times today, I pulled up this page to write a blog because I was thinking I had something to say, then something would happen and I needed to go put out one of the many fires I deal with in any given day. This is the 4th time and now that I'm thinking about it...those 3 other times I was thinking/feeling very different things!

I realized it was just how a typical day for me. First thing this morning, I was thinking about about how great my friends are and who's in my "inner circle" and how that has changed over the last 6 years. Girlfriends, I love my girlfriends. I need my girlfriends. Then around 11:30ish I was having a great moment of clarity where I was thinking/feeling "this is all going to be okay;" "I'M going to be okay." Then 3pm rolls around and I was thinking/feeling about being angry with J still and how quickly that builds up when my memory is triggered. So now, I'm writing because I'm feeling lonely and I realize that that is what a typical day is like for me, and probably for anyone. I start off really freakin' strong and then by the end of the day I'm feeling pathetic and weak...which is really just about being lonely.

It's funny, because I have also come to realize that some of this is tied directly to "chatting" online.-My friends make me stronger-well, Cory, Sarah, Greg and Jen do anyway. There are some others, but those 4 I chat with the most at night. It's funny because I love watching my shows at night with them-I feel like they are sitting right here with me. It sounds a little crazy, I know...but it those moments when I am feeling my weakest, they are right there...

Ahhhhhhhhh the way my mind wakes some days...